The Gift in Enduring

What are you enduring right now? 
Are you waiting for someone to come back?
Are you waiting for someone to finally make a decision?
Are you waiting for your circumstances to improve? Leave? Melt into the atmosphere?


Or maybe you wait to be recognized for the work you do that no one seems to notice. Maybe you're waiting on God to prove to you once again that He is real. Life and people and loved ones have disappointed you so much that you've blamed God for it all and thrown in the towel.  "It's just easier to do it myself" you might say.  Is it though?

I have endured long periods of waiting myself.  I waited for my momma to come back from the beauty shop....and she never did.  I waited for my brother to find enduring sobriety.  He never did. I waited for my father to walk into my life and introduce himself. He never did. I waited for the envelope to come with his picture in it.  The envelope came. But it was empty.  I have waited for  children to return. They come and they go and they come.  Steady.  Enduring.

It's all about me in those scenarios.  I want outcomes.  I want things to look and feel right. I want peace. I want everyone to be okay. I want to be acknowledged and validated.  I want love.

Then the dawning.

Ahhh.  Father God waits for me to realize He was there all along in my imperfect and messy life. He was waiting for me to see the reality.  See Him in the mess. Instead, I kept white knuckling my Christianity into making everything try to be presentable to people.  Oh, I knew about His involvement, and occasionally He did speak on it. But it wasn't until the day I saw the darkness of the ME in it and my incredible tenacity for being in control, that I realized...He had endured and waited for me. 

I repented of my self.

He offered me something in exchange for my repentence of self. He offered me Himself. Not just his gifts, direction, answers, and what He gives. He gave me Himself.  Everything He does came in with Him. No more picking and choosing. The Breakthrough.

I am all in.

Whether they never show up, come home, or return...whoever they are in the moment, He is enough in that moment where I must sit in it. I can endure anything in this imperfect life of dissatisfying encounters because His perfect self resides in me.

He implores me in my dissatisfying and disappointing places to Be present with Him.  I can be present. He is here! Mess or no mess!  He is sufficient in the present. He will be enough in the next present moment. It's like you just received the worst news in some of those disappointing places, and your perfect dream dad walks in the room and just sits with you and speaks hope. Can't you just sit in it with Him, and let His presence be comforting?

Purpose.

Oh, so much purpose.  His purpose is perfect for my imperfect life. His purpose is to remind me of the people, places and things I am prone to wandering off with or to instead of Him. When I do I miss His glory. His presence. His self.

He is my purpose. He is my prize. Hmmmm ...so worth the enduring. 

But the secret is this: in this way of life and knowing Him and His presence, I see  two distinct treasures.
He is the first treasure, and as I behold Him first, I see myself in his image.  And I come to know myself as His treasure. Treasure and worth are found in His image.

When I know my value, I am free to not make it about my self. It's Himself in myself looking outward.

-Roxanna Grimes